alexandro-espinar-1388955-unsplash (2).jpg

As a woman I can honestly say that one of the most attractive things about a man is confidence. This is one of the things that I noticed right away about my fiancé. I’m sure if I were to ask men, they would agree that confidence is attractive in women too. Social media today has impacted people’s confidence and view of themselves. We look daily at photos of people who post their “best” life and then we compare this to our “worst” self. We become critics of our own appearance, jobs, achievements, talents, and abilities. So then, how does one become confident? Maybe you need confidence in your job, relationship, or even just having confidence in yourself. I cannot speak for everyone but I can share how I have approached this problem in my past.

1)      Know your worth!

One hindrance in having or gaining confidence is when you believe the common lie that you are not worth anything. When you believe this lie it makes it easy for people to treat you like a doormat.  As well, it can prevent you from sticking up for yourself, making healthy boundaries and healthy relationships with people. This lie can spread into so many other lies that we believe about ourselves. The truth is that you are worth respect and you are valuable. There is no one else on this earth that is just like you and so that makes you valuable. Confidence is knowing your worth and being able to communicate this with other people by putting up those healthy boundaries and not allowing people to treat you like a doormat. Teach people how to treat you!

2)      Stop the negative self- talk

As mentioned above that little lie that we believe about ourselves can spread into so many other lies we believe about ourselves. What ends up happening when we give into these lies is that we develop negative self-talk. This can come in all sorts of forms and can affect so many different areas of our lives. Maybe it is in your relationships and you believe the lie “no one likes me” or “no one cares about me” or “they think I’m stupid and so I must be”. This can even affect your job or career. Maybe you pass up on opportunities in your profession because you do not believe that you have the qualifications or think that you would be good at that job. The list can go on and on. This negative self-talk cuts right into our confidence because we are often telling ourselves that we “cannot” do something whatever that something is. To regain your confidence back you have to change this negative self-talk to positive self-talk. This is when you need to be kind to yourself and not allow those negatives thoughts about yourself to have power over you. Instead practice telling yourself some positive thoughts such has “I have family and friends who care about me”, “I am intelligent and capable”, “I can do this”, “what I have to say is important”. Confidence is being able to truly believe in yourself.

3)      Understand that failure does not define you

Ok so maybe you were able to scrounge up enough confidence and courage to do something that scared you and you failed at it. Maybe that girl or guy did not agree to go out with you, or maybe your boss chose someone else for that promotion after you put yourself out there. One important thing to understand when it comes to building confidence is that failure does not define you. When you make a mistake or do not succeed at something right away it does not mean that you are a failure. It means that you simply made a mistake or that something just did not work out for you this time around. Our society takes rejection and failure so personal when at times that rejection and failure has nothing to do with you as a person. Sometimes getting rejected by that girl or guys is not about you but maybe that person is not ready for a relationship. This ties into the first point about knowing your worth because when you know your worth, rejection and failure does not have power over you. You are able to separate that rejection and failure from your identity and, who knows, maybe even learn something from it. True confidence is being able to take rejection and failure well and not allow it to control you.

Another important point to note is that you are not going to be good at everything you do. You may succeed at things and fail at others. Being confident in yourself means knowing your strengths and weaknesses and loving yourself regardless.

4)      Surround yourself with confident people

I can remember two very distinct times in my life where my self-confidence and self-esteem had plummeted. Both times was right after I had been rejected by someone. At this point in my life I had not learned that I did not need to give power to that rejection. I remember in these moments realizing that I had no self-confidence or self-esteem.  Both times I did something that really helped - I surrounded myself with confident and healthy people. I started hanging out with people that were confident women and who not only were confident in themselves but were able to instill confidence in me. I learned confidence by example, while also being reaffirmed about how important and valuable I was myself. It was not overnight but, after time, these people became very instrumental in my journey of gaining confidence in myself. Having confident, healthy people in your life is not just important for learning to be confident but also in life in general.   

I hope these tips help you to become a better confident you.

What things have helped you to become more confident?